Today has been a great day of revelation. It has been 3 days since our first anniversary and almost a month since my partner (boyfriend, not yet married guys) told me he wanted to rest and to find himself as he became lost amidst the seemingly-perfect (in my eyes) relationship — hearing this felt like someone stabbed my heart. Within that time frame, nights have become restless. It was the first time I’ve ever experience waking up in the wee hours (12 PM or 2 PM) — not returning to sleep anymore, thinking back of the things I should’ve done and what might have happen in the future if not for my feelings — selfish feelings. We have been in this position not because it was his fault, but it was MINE. I think, he was not to blame. I have been so selfish and consumed that he will never leave me, being in this situation shook me — my world fell apart. I became broken and uncertain of what the future might hold, I became self-destructive and angry. My idle mind became the devil’s playground — that I am certain! Of that four weeks all I did was put a wall to myself from people. I secluded myself from the world — deleted my social-media accounts and thought of changing numbers, even wanted to go out of the country just to escape all this fiasco. I have done stupid things that I now regret — if only my mind was clear, I have not said hurtful words or even did stupid things.
Within that time, I always thought of this idea — LOVING THE UNLOVABLE — with him on the receiving end of this thought. My mind has been corrupted with lies — it was his mistake, he will miss out many things, I am not worth of this kind of treatment. Truthfully during these period it is very hard to love him and I chose to because I have always known that love is not a feeling, rather a choice — a commitment. These past few weeks I realized that I was not doing it “by choice”, I was loving him based upon my strong selfish feelings. Because he is not responding, I reacted not to respond as well, that if he was making this hard for me, I shall make it hard for him too — stupid actions based on stupid feelings.
If when he told me he needed time to think, I gave it to him. Sat quietly and, patiently waited for him and prayed continuously — I think we wouldn’t be further away from each other now than a month ago. He would have been back with an open arms, it would have been a romantic story I tell my future children. But because of my selfishness, it wasn’t. It became too complex even to the point he lied, now who is unlovable? Ouch. For a day I am ok, but after receiving silent treatment from him I will wage World War III just to get the coveted “I love you too”. I thought I would make him ok — I was wrong, it only flamed the existing fire, burning the forest and the buildings along with it — to the point it has almost become irreversible. Should I have listened to a friend’s advice this shall be over in no time. But I did not, I listened to my unruly heart and as a result — a relationship that has almost been over.
Should I have prayed and asked God for help the first time this happened, this should be over now (at least, I think). I realized it was not him who is the UNLOVABLE — it was I. I have become self-centered in this relationship, I forgot how he feels and what he wants. I have become angry and irritable, I take everything that’s going wrong around me against him, even though he’s not really doing anything wrong. I kept all his records of wrong, dug deep in my heart and head just to have something to argue to him — like a lawyer wanting to win the case. I have become jealous, I envied even the littlest time he spend with his friends. I became self-seeking — I wanted him to respond to my endearment. I was so full of myself I forgot all about him. I was not patient. I was not kind and I am very rude. I am so proud I cannot say the word sorry. I did not respect his choice and brutally steered him to what I want. I did not protect his feelings over my insecurities — and as a result a man who wanted out, tired and hurt. The only thing that mattered was I.
God gave me another chance to redeem myself, I was very blessed — though it is not an easy path to walk right now (because I was too stubborn to wait). He wanted me to learn from my mistakes, know how to love like Him. I wanted the pain to go away, but now I think the pain is necessary to be able to see what was wrong and what must be changed — I had to be dealt with. I was not able to protect my partner from the pain— he too was hurt because of my wrong doings. There were many if’s and time cannot be rewritten anymore. All I could do now is change to the person God wants me to be. I now understand He is using this circumstance for me, us, to learn. Learn what you may ask? LEARN TO LOVE LIKE HIM.
With this circumstance He gave me, I learned a few things and I know I will learn some more. This will not be an easy journey and I have to be willing to let go and let God move towards my life. He has to intervene now before I do anything stupid.
My Father, the pen of my life is now in your hands. Take over, soften thy hard heart and let Your will be done.