I’m sorry I haven’t post so much lately, I have been battling my demons inside — who ever said moving on is easy, is crazy! It has been (just?!) two weeks (and it seemed like foreverrrr) since and still I miss him. To be honest with you, just Sunday last night I cried again because I really miss him so much and I wanted to tell him how much I love him, but I can’t — as I do not want to disrupt his process of moving on. I want him to be happy.
I asked my friend series of questions on how to pray for someone and for a partner. With all the things that happened, it seemed like I forgot how to pray — like I had an amensia. I asked my friend how is he praying for someone that is special and dear to him (he’s in the process of praying for her and waiting — so sweet!), he said he is just praying for her happiness and her walk with God. I then asked him, what if her happiness does not include him in the picture? It will hurt right? How will he manage it? I was very surprised about his answer — he said he is happy otherwise and just happier if they ended up together — how selfless. I asked him how is he sustaining the long wait for her? His answer, he uses the time he is waiting for service in the Lord, because no time used for Him is ever in vain. I want to pray like that. I want that kind of attitude. I asked so many questions and learned so much. That’s when I realized I’m still a baby spiritually.
Of the two weeks that have passed, many things have happened to me:
- I rediscovered my passion in writing, thus this blog.
- I started reading books.
- I have a burning desire to sing, thus my ipod full of Christian songs.
- I have a longing to learn to play violin (or piano), thus my plan to enrol.
- I have a waiting list of job opportunities, thus call left and right.
- I have new found friends, whom the connection felt like we’ve been friends since forever!
- I am planning to lose weight, thus regular Saturday jogging with friends.
- I have better undestanding of men, thanks to Man are from Mars, Women are from Venus book. (I may have to explain later on or another blog post!)
- Most of all, my relationship with God is closer, thus the joy and peace I feel deep in my heart even though it is punched by a big hole.
I have focused on improving and taking care myself. Sure, I do miss him but:
- God is sustaining me to wake up and fight each day.
- God is helping me cope up with the negative feelings I have hoardered.
- God is giving me answers to my questions.
- God is answering my prayers little by little — in His perfect time.
- God is giving me hope of a bright future.
- God is lighting my way in this darkness.
- God forgave me of my sins and shame.
- God is changing me to the person he wants me to be.
So instead of wallowing to the sadness and pain of breakup, I am choosing to look at the positive side of all this. God took away something from me, to be able to depend on Him. This is the answer to my prayer of — closer relationship with Him. You may ask, do I regret praying for that? If you had asked me that yesterday, my asnwer would have been yes. But now, now that I see God’s grace in my life — my answer is a straight NO. Why? Because I know at the end of all this, he will be able to tell me “Well done my good and faithful sevant.” — which is far more fulfilling.
God wants to see my purest intentions in pursuing Him. God is teaching me something. He is teaching me how to be:
- Patient and kind to people, even those whom I don’t know.
- Loving to everyone around me.
- Understanding, caring and compassionate, knowing what people need and tending to them.
- Strong and wise
- Hopeful and joyful in every circumstance — good or bad.
- To forgive myself and to not be too hard and blame myself for what happened.
- He even thought me how to handle man during their toughest time (which I needed before haha! I learned this late but even so I now know how to handle man with care, hihi!)
- To build relationships and step out of my comfort zone (being a semi-introvert, this is hard haha! but look! I have gained friends now, so this is working alright!)
Yes it still hurts, but above all this I am walking with God — He is making me limitless and unstoppable. I know I still have a long way to go, but my eyes are just on the prize — the day I will meet Him face to face and say my praises and thanks for all the good (and bad) He had done in my life.
To God be the glory!