October 10, 2016. The best night of my life.
For the past few months, I know deep in myself that I have been avoiding this conversation with God regarding my true feelings. I am not being upfront about what I am feeling towards my status (of singleness, yes! haha!)—I told Him I have accepted things and I am happy and at peace but deep within my heart I know I have not let go of the pain and regret (you really can’t hide from God, one day He will just reveal it all to you and lovingly confront you about it).
Since the start of this week (or last week), my prayers with God have been super personal and deep. As if He was just beside me, I tell Him all my worries and desires and most of all thank Him for all that He has done in my life. Little did I know those small talks became really intimate and would later on lead to a revelation. Since that day, let’s say little by little God helped me open up my feelings to Him and be true to my real emotional status (He made me comfortable first of telling everything to Him before He laid all the issues. Unlike us, He was not mad at me for hiding something, In fact God was very loving and understanding — a true Gentlemen).
After a specific prayer — out of the blue I just felt something and to my surprise my deepest, most hidden emotions all manifested. All my regrets, my shame, my hurt, my fear, my insecurities… really everything that I have tried to cover from Him for the past seven years of being in a relationship, it all just flowed. Tears fell and without knowing I was inconsolable.
I told God of my pain. All my hidden resentments towards all the people who’ve hurt me in the past. It all went out — how I hated the way they treated me and how I hated myself for not being wise enough to know. For at times, I never really showed how mad and angry and frustrated I am with them and myself. But last night all the anger and resentment I handed it over to God, forgave them and myself. I told Him everything and was relieved — as if a heavy load was released on my shoulder.
Even my unknown fear manifested. I never really thought I am afraid to love again. I told God I am not sure if I can give my heart again to someone, having been hurt and left behind twice. I even asked Him to keep my heart for me, as I do not want to give it away anymore. I asked Him that instead of me, He will be the one to give it to the right person — that he should get my heart through Him first. I asked God to help guard my heart as I cannot do it alone.
Then my insecurities were the next one we tackled. I honestly told God that I am thinking I might not be deserving anymore of the blessings in store for me. Of the plans He originally had for me — that I might have been so broken and lost. That I’ve passed by the opportunities with my name on it. At that same moment I was convicted, He comforted me and made me feel loved and accepted and that no matter what I had done, His love won’t change.
For all my shame, I asked forgiveness. That if not for my hardheadedness I wouldn’t be heartbroken — without leaning on my own feelings and acting impulsively, this would not happen. I asked for healing, to mend my heart, make it whole again so that I can be restored to my full potential — overflow me with love and longing to Him. To restore my heart as if I am loving again for the first time.
I also told God of my plan (this time, for real) to go over the right process of courtship — commitment (of marriage) first before intimacy. I do not want to lean anymore with my own feelings yet alone my knowledge on this matter. I want His full guidance and direction, with the help of the Holy Spirit.
For the first time in seven years, I honestly told God that I am tired, broken and in pain. At that turning point of my life, I just want God’s will in my life — that’s all. I just want what God wants for me. No more leading astray to His path. I want to listen and obey.
I just really wept, tears won’t just stop flowing (my shirt was all wet, haha!). I went to sleep still crying but you know what? It was the best night of my life, because of deeply understanding what it meant by Jesus dying on the cross for me – that because of it I have been freed from the bondage of sins and mistakes of the past. Jesus restored my connection with God again, and deepened it. Last night was the night I lost my heart to Jesus — and my soul is glad I did.
Disclaimer: Title taken from Hillsong’s. It is one of my favourite song.