When My Heart Asked “What If?”

Recently struggling in the self-control department, I asked God for help on how would I bear this fruit and fortunately for me He answered right away – and it is by immersing myself in His word, daily. Having realized this I immediately opened my bible application and tried catching up on my reading plan (-s, yes I have many. Lol!)

To give you a short background of the app that I am using (which is very very useful, it’s YouVersion) – you can choose a reading plan to help you with your daily devotion – mine is Pray While You Prey. Now, when you missed a day, it will tell you how many days you’ve missed and it will be pointed to the day that you should be reading. Because I lack discipline, I missed too many days and was now pointed towards the last day. I use the “catch me up” function to correct the dates and make it look like I did not miss anything (though in reality, you missed so many). Eager to start reading, I am always victimized of reading the day that I was pointed at rather than the day I would like to catch up. 

Towards the last few sentences of the devotion I mistakenly read, my heart is crippled with doubt. I tried shaking it off by reading the devotion for the correct day, but I just could not do it. I paused and stopped for a moment. At the back of my mind, “I think I need to ponder about what I read for a long time”. Why am I devastated? You may ask. Well, the author, just like I, desired, longed and prayed for a husband, but the author seems to still be single even after years of waiting (she even finished writing a book about it already).  In my perspective too, it seemed like she already gave up on the notion of marriage. My longing heart gently poked me to catch my attention and asked “What if we are to be single for a long time? What if we won’t really get married and just die alone?”. So I paused and contemplated about this for a minute, for my heart seemed to make sense. “What will we do?” It asked again as if wanting me to immediately do something about it. Out of nowhere, a still small voice whispered that I should know better not to listen to my heart’s nudging. This went on for a few, without realizing there was already an on going debate in my head (while I stare blankly outside the window of the van).

My heart is telling us to worry and do something about it before it’s too late. It throwed me three different circumstances: (one) what if I am really meant to be single for a lifetime, (two) what if I am to be married but childless and (three – of course) be married and have mini-yous (Thank you heart, you really know how to make me worry). It is actually valid and logical. I knew I have to settle this issue now before my heart goes berserk. So I’m ready to discuss this through with Jesus and then something came up.

The still small voice inside of me uncovered an underlying not so good intention behind resolving the issue – apparently my heart is fooled that if I settled this, then God might say “You are so good at figuring this out, I’m gonna fast forward your timeline and taddaa – your husband.” (Oh my heart, how will I ever tame you). Thank God, He showed me my heart’s hidden agenda – now we can prioritize what to settle first and foremost.

I suppose you now see how hard to it is wrestle with a heart like mine – aside from making you worry, its seemingly innocent intentions are really out of selfish desires. At this point my heart had to be made pure, my intentions had to be straighten out, first. If I am going to settle this issue once and for all it should not be because of the underlying promises but because I love God more than anything else in this world. And so I prayed. “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” – ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭51:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬.

Crossing the first issue at hand, we then tackled the main issue: “What if this singleness is for a lifetime? What will I do?” – The still small voice pointed out to me that we are being fooled by this world. Fooled by the notion that being single is just plain unacceptable. That you will only reach happiness and contentment once you’ve found your missing piece – your spouse. And that the peak is having a family of your own with mini-yous running around your humble abode. It helped me realize that this is not what really matters. That whatever circumstance you maybe in what’s important is our relationship with God.

By knowing and understanding that God loves you so much that His plans for you will surely be the best – as evident by His only Son, Jesus, dying on the cross to save us – falling into one of the three (or more) categories won’t really matter anymore. Most of the times we know that God loves us, but we do not fully understand nor even grasp a little of its repercussions. When we do, fully understand God’s love, doubts that started to creep in would be easily extinguished – and all those worry and weary will be exchanged with peace and joy.

Even if we do not know what the future may hold, we can still be steadfast of God’s promise and assured of His wonderful plans towards us. That He, your Father in heaven, only wants nothing but the best. And with that argument – my heart and I are both sold out.

It may have been a mistake to read the last day’s devotion – but God think today is the perfect time to read it, not 4 days later. The series of event led me and my heart to unraveling the “what ifs” of life. And if in any way you are struggling towards the same issue, will it be ok if I pray for you? 

My Father in heaven, all glory and praises to Your name. Lord, first of all, I’m sorry for our unruly hearts. I’m sorry that it is selfish and it always put us in the position to doubt of Your plans for our life. Thank You Father, for giving us the chance to settle this issue, to show us that we should be wise when to listen or not with what our hearts say. Thank You for that still small voice that helped us reason out with our own hearts.

Lord, again we ask to create in us a pure heart. Show us any hidden agendas we may have hidden deep within our hearts – show it to us and help us straighten them out. Always remind our hearts to do this out of love for you. That even before it thinks of any other reason to do something, remove it and exchange it with love.

Honestly, it is hard to not know what the future is, but we will hold on to Your unconditional love for us. The moment You sent Your only Son to die for us is the biggest manifestation of You love – knowing and understanding it is the only way we will be able to put our whole trust in You. So whether we areto be single for a season or for a lifetime, if we are to be married with or without children – we are complete with You alone. We are content with Your presence. We know, our hearts will doubt maybe tomorrow or even later this day – so Lord We humbly ask to always remind us of Your love. Always remind us that because You love us so much all You want is what’s best for us – no matter what it is. We surrender our lives to You.

You know the deepest desires of our hearts. You hear our prayers everynight. You saw our tears when words are overwhelming. You are aware of our plans – and our God, our Lord from this day on, we will humbly submit to Your will. That whatever it is – We are content, joyful, peaceful and most of all complete in You.

Amen.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.‭‭” – Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NIV‬

4 thoughts on “When My Heart Asked “What If?””

  1. Lovely and raw. Your honesty is evident and you have made yourself transparent which is one of the qualities I love best in a blogger. When we expose the process, we are inviting others to take their struggles to the Lord and work them out with him. Great post!

    Like

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